


Cilantro & Cinnamon

by Not_that_important (LMKC_1)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Crack Fiction, Harry picks him up, Kind of fluffy, Liam and Niall are minor charcters, Louis is stranded, M/M, No Smut, One Shot, Strangers, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:49:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22027045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LMKC_1/pseuds/Not_that_important
Summary: “Probably should have locked your doors if you were going to take a roadside snooze. You never know who might surprise you on a deserted highway,” the man laughs before slamming the door shut and running back to his own SUV.“Oh my god,” Louis groans to himself before getting out. “Maybe hewillkill me to sell my valuables and body parts on eBay.”ORLouis’ car breaks down on his way back to the city.  Harry stops to help.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 8
Kudos: 17





	Cilantro & Cinnamon

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic posted to this pseud!
> 
> So, just a heads up, this is not a fic with deep meaning. I just hope to make people laugh for a few minutes. I am aware that my sense of humor is an acquired taste, so please know I won’t be offended if you don’t find it funny. I did not have a beta and it really hasn’t been edited, so forgive me and all of my mistakes. I just had an idea, typed it up, and here we are! Enjoy! ~L
> 
> PS  
I have exercised some serious creative license with grammar, phrasing, and punctuation in order to create a certain tone. Creativity sometimes means that you need to bend the rules. Cheers!

Louis pictures himself banging his hands on the dashboard, head flopped over and resting on the steering wheel, a single tear squeezing from the crinkles by his right eye, carving a watery path as it slips down his cheek…

But that’s not his current reality. His present state is nearly catatonic, staring out his windshield, yet not seeing a thing as the rain pours down all around him, the constant tapping insulating him from the sounds of other travelers racing past his broken down vehicle. 

This is the third time in the last three weeks that Louis’ car has decided to not cooperate with its owner, stranding him on the side of the road and inviting dollar signs to dance across Louis’ line of sight. He and Liam were just joking about whether or not it would make it back to the city. Liam bet him twenty bucks that it wouldn’t. Now Louis is out that twenty and whatever it costs to fix the heap of junk. 

“Stupid, fucking piece of shit,” he mutters, snapping out of his vehicular induced paralysis. He looks around the interior of his car, trying to remember where he stashed his phone before taking off. It usually sits right next to him in a cup holder, but for some reason it’s not there. “Jesus Christ. I must have left it at Liam’s...”

He lifts his eyes and peers through the rain drops scattering across his windows and tries to determine where exactly he is. He hadn’t been on the road too long when his car decided to piss him off yet again, only having made it to track five on his “please-keep-me-awake-when-I’m-driving-to-my-mom’s” playlist on his prehistoric iPod. 

“Ok. Pull it together. Where the fuck am I? Calling isn’t an option. Obviously. Ok. I’m talking to myself. Cool. I’m probably only 15 miles out. Should I walk? Fuck no. Liam will see me when he drives by, so he will probably stop. Yep. Plan B. Wait for Liam.”

Louis settles in for what could be a two hour wait and starts to consider where he went wrong; not just today, but in life in general. Liam had offered to caravan with Louis, knowing that Louis’ car had entered the geriatric stage of its life, but Louis hadn’t wanted to wait two more hours. He needs to get back to the city in time to pick up the present he had ordered for his friend Niall’s birthday party tonight. Liam is going to the same party, so he knows that he will drive by and see Louis’ broken down pile of steel and disappointment along the side of the highway and stop. Eventually. 

********

Louis snaps to life when he hears a rap on his window. He rubs his eyes and glances around himself, wondering how long he has been asleep. Two cars had stopped before he had dozed off. He turned down their offers to give him a ride, knowing Liam would be by soon; however, he had borrowed both of their phones to try to get a hold of Liam and anyone else he could think of. He had left desperate messages with Liam, his mom, his sisters, Liam’s mom, Liam’s dad, and the lady who lives next door to his mom, but could not get a hold of anyone.

“Hiya! You alright in there? Where are you heading?” 

Louis looks to his side to see a giant face pressed up against the glass, wild curls poking out from the hood of a purple rain coat, large white rimmed sunglasses devouring most of the wearer’s face.

“Um. Yeah. Ok, I guess,” Louis mutters as he cracks his window for the stranger. “Do you happen to know what time it is?”

“Yep. It’s just past three. Do you need a lift?”

“Shit. Liam should have driven by at least an hour ago...,” _Why didn’t he stop?_ “I’m heading back to the city for a party that I’m definitely going to be late for.”

“I’m going that way as well. I can take you if you’d like?”

Louis looks the stranger up and down. He knows that he probably doesn’t have too many options at this point, and the guy doesn’t fit the stereotypical hitchhiker murderer profile.

“Yeah. That would be great.” He looks towards the back of his car at all of his belongings and is about to ask the stranger if he has room for his bags, when the back door of the car flies open and the stranger reaches in and grabs Louis’ duffel.

“Probably should have locked your doors if you were going to take a roadside snooze. You never know who might surprise you on a deserted highway,” the man laughs before slamming the door shut and running back to his own SUV. 

“Oh my god,” Louis groans to himself before getting out. “Maybe he _will_ kill me to sell my valuables and body parts on eBay.” He rolls his eyes, gets out, and locks his car this time before trotting through the rain to the stranger’s car.

Louis jumps in and is instantly overwhelmed by a powerful scent of sandalwood and lavender incense burning on the dashboard. The interior of the car has been altered to look like a beatnik coffee house, complete with tapestries and pillows; but minus the candles which have been replaced with multicolor, twinkle lights that are strung around the roof and powered by the cigarette lighter. 

“Wow,” Louis says just as the overgrown muppet that offered him a ride jumps into the driver’s seat. “Umm. Nice setup you have here.”

The stranger pushes back his hood, releasing waves of chocolate curls sticking up in every direction.

“It works for me. You wouldn’t believe all of the people and power tools I can fit in here at the same time.” The stranger extends his hand and says, “Hi. I’m Harry. What’s your name? Sexy little hitchhiker?”

“Um. No. And for the record, I wasn’t hitchhiking; I was sleeping,” Louis adds before realizing that the stranger just called him sexy. He meets Harry’s giant, bejeweled hand with his own. “My name is Louis. Thanks for the lift. I thought my friend would have been by to find me by now, but he never showed up, I guess.”

“Louis. Hmmm. Looouuueeeee. Lou-eh? I like it. You can keep it. Buckle up,” Harry says as he locks the doors. “Safety first, Loueeeh!”

“Just ‘Louis’ will be fine.” Harry deflates a bit with that, but Louis refuses to be bothered.

“Why were you sleeping in your car? Not really a good choice now is it, Loueh? There are five boys buried in that field, you know. Good thing I came along when I did, Loueh!”

Louis stares for a moment as they start speeding down the highway and swallows before responding. “Well, for your information, I hadn’t planned on a roadside nap, but my car broke down. Again. Anyway, my friend Liam was heading back to the city as well, so I figured I would just wait it out.”

“Why didn’t you just call him? Don’t all of you yuppie types always have your ear glued to your radioactive devices 24/7?”

“Radio- what? Umm, I seem to have forgotten it somewhere. Speaking of which, could I use your phone to let my friend know that I’m going to be a bit late?”

“First of all, I try not to use cellular devices. I hate the idea of being controlled by the government. You know, they can track your every movement through those things. Plus there is the risk of getting cancer, or even worse, nargles infesting your brain through your auditory canal, which would be way too much of a nuisance for me, thanks.”

“Nargles?” Louis looks over at Harry and squints. “Are you high or something? Nargles? As in Harry Potter?”

“Everyone thinks that Joanne came up with nargles on her own, but the truth is they have been known to live in many plant forms for thousands of years.” He gives Louis a closed lipped grin and looks back to the road, effectively ending the conversation and leaving Louis even more bewildered. 

“Oooh! I love this song! And it’s perfect for picking up hitchhikers!” 

“I’m not a hitchhiker.”

“Whatever, tom-aaa-to, tom-ah-to. Pasta or pasta. _Are you gonna go my waaaaay?_”

“You just said ‘pasta’ the exact same way twice.”

“Loueh! I love your sense of humor! Even though I clearly said ‘pasta’ the first time and ‘pasta’ the second time,” Harry shakes his head and chuckles. “I like you. I think I will keep you for awhile. _‘Cause baby I gotta know, yeah. Are you gonna go my waaaay?‘“_

“Umm… about that. You aren’t like some type of highway scouring psychopath that preys on stranded travelers before chopping them up with cookie cutters and serves them to your family on Christmas, are you?”

“Loueh!” Harry exclaims before grabbing his belly and laughing way too loud for his beatnik CRV.

“It’s Louis.”

“Loueh. That’s what I said. And no. I will not murder you. Not yet, at least,” he adds before laughing at his own joke and slapping his knee. The song ends and Harry sighs. “Lenny is something else, isn’t he?”

“Ah, yeah, _he’s_ something else.” Louis leans his head against the window and watches Harry out of the corner of his eye. “How far are we?”

Harry reaches down next to his apparently mile-long leg and pulls up a rubbermaid bottle filled with a greenish liquid that seems to be a bit iridescent, and takes a big swig. 

“Well, I’m not exactly sure. I just drive until I get there. It’s important to enjoy the journey, Loueh. Want some?” Harry asks and extends his arm with the bottle and shoves right under Louis’ nose.

“No, thank you,” Louis says as he pushes Harry’s arm away. “Good lord, that smells nasty…”

“Oooh, it isn’t nasty, Loueh. It’s yummy in my tummy, that’s what it is!”

“Is there, um, anything illegal in it?”

“Loueh! Always the kidder, aren’t you?” Harry chuckles and gives Louis’ knee a squeeze. “Of course not, but it should be illegal because it is sooo YUMMY!”

“Ok.”

“Well, aren’t you going to ask what is in it, Loueh?”

“I already did.”

“No you didn’t, Loueh! You asked if there was anything illegal in it. There’s a difference, Loueh!”

“Why are you always yelling?”

“I don’t yell! I’m just exuberant!”

“Ok.”

“So? Ask!”

“Harry,” Louis deadpans. “What is in your green bottle of goo?”

“Aren’t you cute! Bottle of goo!”

“Harry.”

“Oh! Yeah! It’s a mixture of of avocado and paprika. I’m on an avocado and paprika cleanse for the month. My cat is, too! We’re sharing the experience together.” Harry reaches his arm between the two seats and onto the floor in the back. He pours a little green goo onto the bottom of a crate that Louis hadn’t noticed before. Inside is the meanest looking cat Louis has ever seen. It is a giant gray tabby with eyes like the devil himself. 

Louis leans down to get a closer look and the cat hisses at him, causing Louis to jump back; only then realizing that Harry has placed his arm on the headrest of Louis’ seat, causing Louis to bang into the other man’s elbow.”

“Um, ow? Why is your fucking arm there? And I don’t think your cat likes the avocado and parsley cleanse too much.” Louis rubs his head and ducks back under Harry’s arm to settle back in his seat.

“Parsley? You are so funny, Loueh! In a cute and stupid kind of way. His name is Frank by the way.”

“Stupi…”

“Parsley does not go with avocado, Loueh. The results could be disastrous. But I’m sure you know that, already. Such a kidder.”

Louis takes a deep breath and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Yep. That’s me. Wait - where are we? Did you just exit the highway?”

“I sure did, Loueh!”

“You’re yelling again…”

“No, I’m not!”

“Ok. Where are we going, Harry?” Louis asks, trying to determine if this is the moment that Harry pulls out a machete and melon baller to create a Sunday buffet out of Louis’ remains.

“You’ll see. You are going to _love_ this, Loueh!”

“Will you please quit saying my name every time you speak?”

“Ok, Loueh! The passenger always gets what they want, Loueh.”

Louis groans and softly starts banging his head on the window.

“Do you have a headache? I know just the thing for that.”

Harry reaches his abnormally long arm to the back seat again, causing Frank to hiss and try to scratch him through the slats of his crate.

“I love you, too, Frankie!” Harry coos and makes a few kissy noises. “Here, Loueh. Take this.”

Harry hands Louis a violet colored, satin pillow that smells like his grandma’s perfume and old newspapers. 

“Ummm, what’s this for?”

“Your head, Loueh. It must be hurting if you are driven to bang it on the window for relief. Here! Take it. It will help.”

“Yep. That’s why my head hurts,” Louis says as he tucks the pillow into his lap. He looks over and sees Harry grinning at him.

Harry reaches over and tucks Louis’ hair behind his ear. “Such a pretty one, you are. Not like any of the others…”

Louis pulls back and hits the back of his head against the window this time. “What others?”

“Your head still bothering you? We are going to stop in a few and I will get you something for that. Don’t want any passenger of mine to be in pain, now do I, Loueh?”

Louis’ breath gets caught for a second as he digests what Harry has just said. “No pain, please, no pain.”

Harry tries to reach over to pet Louis’ hair again, but Louis manages to duck out of his way, pretending to adjust his shoe. 

“I wish I could cut off all of your hair and knit it into a sweater. It would keep me so warm in the winter.”

“What the hell is wrong with you-“

Just then, Harry makes a quick U-turn and races is in the other direction, forcing Louis to fly back against his door, and hit his head again.

“This is it then?” Louis whispers to himself as he slyly places his hand on the door handle, ready to jump if necessary.

“Is what, Loueh? I just missed my turn. We’re almost there! I’m so excited!”

“Almost where?” Louis squeaks as he tries the handle. _Locked. Shit._

“To where we are going!”

“I’m pretty sure we are no closer to the city now than we were when you picked me up…”

“Of course we aren’t, Loueh! I have to make a stop, and you will be sooooo happy I did!”

Louis looks out the windows trying to figure out if there will be any chance to escape, but with the rain still coming down in sheets, he can’t make out any familiar surroundings. He looks sideways at Harry who is simply smiling and humming along to Alanis Morissette on the radio.

“Hey, Harry,” Louis asks and then clears his throat before continuing. “Why are you still wearing sunglasses? It’s pouring out.”

“_Liiiiike, anyone would be, I am flattered by your fas-ci-na-tion with me…_”

“Harry. The glasses?”

“Oh. I like them. And they protect my eyes from those nasty UV rays.”

“But it’s raining out, Harry. You freaking lunatic.”

“Pet names? Ahhh, you do like me! Anyway. You can never be to careful about UV rays.”

“You do realize that it’s also getting dark out? It will be completely dark within the hour.”

“Exactly the reason to keep them on, Loueh! Those pesky UV rays love the nightlife. Ooooh! I love that song too. Anyway, it’s like a rave for them when they can attack your eyes when you least expect it.” Harry taps his temple and adds, “Gotta be smarter than your enemies, Loueh.”

“I hope I am..”

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

“Ok. _Liiiiiike, any Hot-blooded woman, I have simply wanted an object to crave…_ Oh, she sings like an angel, doesn’t she?” Harry asks as he wipes a tear slipping out from beneath his shades. “OH! We’re here!”

Harry takes a wild left turn into a small, deserted, parking lot and slams on his brakes. Louis flies forward and nails his forearms on the dashboard. “Ow. Fuck. Where did you learn to drive?”

“The same place as everyone else, Loueh. Mario Kart.” Harry slaps his knee and and laughs at his own joke again. “I kill me.” 

Harry turns off the car and starts to get out. Louis starts to do the same, but Harry reaches across him and places his large, ring covered hand over Louis’ and pulls it off the handle. “Oh, no you don’t, Loueh! I want to surprise you!”

“Umm, Ok?” Louis squeaks as he slumps back in his seat, closes his eyes, and starts to rub his temples. “Great. I love surprises.”

When Harry doesn’t respond, Louis carefully cracks one eye and screams. “What the hell are you doing?!”

Harry is leaning towards Louis’ neck and sniffing like a goldendoodle. He lifts his glasses for the first time and stares at Louis from just a few inches away. He looks to be in deep contemplation, and Louis holds his own breath for a second as he is frozen by the greenest eyes he has ever seen.

“What’s that I smell?”

“I don’t know?” Louis whispers as he regains his wits.

Harry starts to back away, and Louis exhales, only to have Harry dive back in for another sniff.

“It’s like…. I’m not sure…”

“I don’t know what you think you smell, Harry, but I-...”

Just then Harry sticks out his longer than average tongue and licks Louis’ cheek.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!”

“Hmmmm. Tastes like….” Harry leans forward unfazed and tries to lick Louis again only to be pushed back forcefully. “Tastes like, cilantro and cumin… no wonder you’re so cranky…”

“What?!”

“No…. wait… more like cinnamon. Cilantro and Cinnamon. Oh, Loouueeh,” Harry says as he reaches out to stroke Louis’ hair as he shakes his own head with a grimace on his face. “That combination is terrible for your pancreatic health. Ok! Be right back!” Harry yells as he jumps out of the car, locking Louis in as he leaves.

“What did I do to deserve this?” Louis mutters to himself as he stares out the windshield. “I’ve been a good person. I help elderly people cross the road. I babysit Niall’s crazy dog whenever he asks. I don’t wanna die…” He drops his head to put it between his knees and starts to take deep breaths. “Ok, Lou-eh. LOUIS not Lou-eh! Oh my god, I don’t even know my own name anymore. Ok, try this again. I need a plan. Figure out where you are, Louis, that’s what you need to do first. Yeah. Ok.”

Louis lifts his head and tries to see through the rain and determine where he is. Harry has parked directly in front of a Tai Chi studio that looks more like an adult massage parlor. 

“Ok, Harry’s in having a quickie before he murders me. Cool.”

He looks at the adjoining shop and reads the signs in the windows. “Soul Smoothies. Freeing your Chakras since 1982.” Louis notices another sign in the window that reads, “Home of the World Famous Hummingbird Nectar and Begonia Brew”.

“Well, at least it’s world famous.” 

Louis is just about to lean back again when he sees Harry bounding out of the smoothie shop, arms full of brightly colored fabric.

“Loueh! You’re still here!”

“Well, yeah. You locked me in, Harry.”

“Of course I did! Safety first…” Harry adds distractedly as he digs through the pile in his lap with one hand, the other holding a tray with two oddly colored drinks. “I bought you something-”

“I really don’t want-“

“Here! Blue like your eyes!” Harry exclaims as he plants a turquoise snapback on Louis’ head and smiles at him. “You really are one of my favorites.” 

“Uh, thanks?” Louis says before removing the hat to see what it says. “Soul Smoothies. We’ll miss you when you’ve moved on!”

“Well?” Harry asks.

“Umm. Yeah. That’s comforting”

“I got you a t-shirt, too, and one for Frankie,” He adds as he throws one over the backseat effectively burying the devil cat’s crate. Frank hisses. “You’re so welcome, baby! Oh! I also got you a smoothie. Here!” He shoves the brown smoothie in Louis’ face.

“You know, I’m not really thirsty right now. I just want to get going… need to get back in time-“

“Taste it!”

“No, Harry.”

“Yes! Try it or we aren’t leaving!”

“Is it poisonous?”

“Poisonous? You’re still joking around, aren’t ya, Loueh? Of course it isn’t! It’s a special blend of native grasses, water beetles, and assorted fruits that should take care of that cilantro and cinnamon problem straight away. You really must be more careful with your body, Loueh. It’s a temple.”

Louis stares blankly at Harry for several seconds, the only sound is that of Frank hissing and trying to pull the offending pink t-shirt through the slats of his crate.

“Well then, now that our tummies are full and we have new clothes, we should get going. Oh, yeah! I found this phone on the counter in there. Do you want to try to call your friend?”

“Whose phone is it, Harry?’

“I have no idea! Call!”

“Did you steal it?”

“Do I look like someone who would steal?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, Loueh!” Harry snorts and slaps Louis’ arm lightly. “Call your friend.”

“Ok. You fruit loop.”

“I love pet names. I shall call you Cinnamon. I wonder if all of you tastes like cinnamon…”

“Jesus Christ, give me the phone.”

Harry pulls up the antenna and hands Louis a phone that looks like it is from 1997. “Here ya go, Cinny,” he adds as he’s backing out of the parking spot.

“I think I like ‘Loueh’ better…” Louis mumbles as he starts to dial Liam’s number.

“Liam! Where the hell are you? Didn’t you see me on the side of the road?”

“Louis? Why are you calling me from Georgia?”

“I’m not in Georgia. I’m calling you from some phsychopath’s car in the middle of nowhere…”

“Heeeey. That’s not nice…”

“Who are you with, Lou? Jesus, you were supposed to be here 2 hours ago. We really don’t have time for you to be out goofing around.”

“My car broke down and I can’t find my phone…”

“You really should have waited for me, Lou. Looks like I’m the big winner today. I will take that twenty in small bills.”

“I am aware of that, asshole. Now I’m just hoping to make it back to the city alive, forget about on time.”

“Always a kidder, Loueh,” Harry laughs in the background.

“Well, hurry up then. Niall will be here any minute,” Liam says.

“Sorry, man, I have no idea where we are, so I’m pretty sure I won’t make it in time.”

“Louis? You’re breaking up… I can’t hear you…. Hello?”

The phone goes dead.

“Fuck. No reception on this ancient piece of crap. Where the hell are we?”

“Such language, Loueh. You’re so tense. I know it’s the cilantro. Drink your smoothie. It will help.”

Harry drives off on a country road in the opposite direction of the highway, and after about five minutes, Louis can’t take it anymore.

“Harry. Where are we going? I really do need to get back to the city for my friend's birthday party. He will never forgive me if I’m not there. I’m sure they will come looking for me at some point…”

“But we’re having so much fun! And I’m not nearly done with you yet, Loueh.”

“Done? What the hell are you talking about? Honestly, Harry. You know what? I can walk. I will just walk back to the smoothie sh-“

“Hey! Let’s play the alphabet game to pass the time! Oh, and would you mind if we drive by the cemetery to say ‘hi’ to my parents, real quick?”

“No. I’m not playing the alphabet game, and we do not have time to go have a tea party with ghosts in the graveyard. Harry, I really need-“

“A! Apple tree! You’ve got to be quick to beat me, Loueh!”

“I’m not playing.”

“Yes you are! Oh, B! Birdies! I wonder why they are all circling like that over that one spot? They weren’t doing that last week when I was here… C! Chickens!”

“Harry….”

“I think the worst thing in the world would be to be eaten alive by chickens. But you don’t have to worry about that now, do ya, Loueh?” 

“I might choose that at this point…”

“I’m starting to think you aren’t as much fun as you once were. Oh well, you’ve stolen my heart anyway, Loueh. Good thing I have two more in the freezer at home!” Harry slaps his knee and laughs again, then wipes what appears to be a tear from under his glasses. 

“You sure seem to cry a lot, _Harr-eh_. What’s the deal?” Two can play at that game.

“Harr-eh? That’s weird. And I’m sorry. I’m just very in tune with my emotions, Loueh. Feel free to be whoever you want with me. You can cry too, if you’d like. They all do in the end.”

Louis shakes his head again, trying to not be uncomfortable with what Harry just said.

“D! Dong! Dick! Did you see that set on that bull? Wow! Oh, shit! Here we go again!” Harry shouts as he pulls the SUV over to the side of the road.

“What’s happening?”

“I think we have a flat tire,” Harry says as he’s unbuckling his seatbelt. “Let me go check.”

“So this is how it ends. In a farm field in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere. With a strange and slightly cute psychopath,” Louis says as he rests his head on the dashboard.

Harry comes bouncing back to the open car door a few moments later. He’s discarded his raincoat, because somewhere along the way it has stopped raining, and has his fringe pulled back in a Hello Kitty scrunchie. For the first time, Louis notices the other man is wearing black skinny jeans and a ratty Wham t-shirt . 

“Wham, Harry? As in _Wake Me Up Before You Go Go_?”

“As in _The Edge of Heaven_. Ever been to the edge of heaven, Loueh?” He stares creepily at Louis for a moment as he leans across the driver’s seat, and then wiggles his eyebrows before clapping his hands and saying, “ok, now! Time to change a tire!”

Louis steps out of the car slowly after realizing Harry has not locked the doors again, and looks around for any signs of human life. They are on a deserted road in the middle of farm country. “Hey, Harry? I’ve gotta pee.”

“Be my guest, Loueh. Be one with nature.”

“Yeah. I’m just going to go... over here.” He shakes his head and as he walks away he can hear Harry whistling the theme from the _Halloween_ movie series. “Oh my god. He’s totally insane.”

As Louis walks back to the car, he sees Harry bent over looking at the wheel of the hour and he freezes. He can see the top of a silver thong peeking out from the waistband of Harry’s jeans. Harry suddenly turns around causing Louis to jump back and look around to cover up that he was staring. 

“You like what you see, cowboy?” Harry asks and winks. “Anyway, I have good news and bad news.”

“Good news? Funny how I don’t believe you.” 

Harry carries on as if Louis hasn’t said a thing. “The good news is that I definitely know how to change a tire. The bad news is that I don’t have a tire jack. I think I used it to support a beaver dam a while back and forgot to put it back in the car. Anyway, I have more good news. I have Triple A.”

“And how are you going to call them, Harry?”

“By telepathy,” Harry deadpans. “Loueh! Lighten up! I will use my phone.”

“You have a phone?”

Harry reaches under the driver’s seat and produces a fairly new iPhone. “Of course I have a phone. It’s 2019. Everyone has a phone,” he says as he shakes his head in disgust. 

“You said you don't have a phone phone because of cancer and some Harry Potter shit-”

“No, I said I try to never _use_ phones. That doesn’t mean I don’t have one. You need to practice listening to understand versus listening to answer, Loueh,”

Louis thumps his head on the roof of the SUV as Harry calls Triple A. At this rate, he’s going to have a permanent bruise. Or better yet a dent. A dent so deep that it will fill with water when it rains, potentially drowning him in a downpour. 

“Ok! They said it would be about 30 minutes. What do you want to do?” 

Louis sits down in the open back of the SUV and hangs his head. “How about we play the quiet game? Just you and I being totally quiet. One with nature as you said earlier.”

“Well, that’s no fun. How are we supposed to get closer if we aren’t talking. Oh! I know what you need!”

“We are not getting closer, Harry.”

Harry climbs in the back of the Honda and gets behind Louis. He places his hands around Louis’ neck and the other man jumps.

“What the hell are you doing?!”

“Always so tense you are, Loueh.”

“Don’t touch me.”

“Loueh, just relax. I’m gifted in the art of sensual massage. Let my magic hands do their work.”

Louis tightens up and takes a deep breath right as Harry digs his fingers into the flesh above his scapulas. “Oh my god,” he gasps. “That actually feels good.”

“Of course it does,” Harry says. “I told you I have special gifts.”

“You’re special, alright.”

“Feel free to scream if you’d like. No one will hear you out here.” Louis cringes under Harry’s fingers. “Is it weird that I’ve always enjoyed the sound of screaming?”

“Ok. That’s enough massage,” Louis says as he disentangles himself from Harry’s “magic fingers.”

“What? Don’t you like massages?”

“I think I’m just going to go sit in my seat and wait for the auto club.”

“Suit yourself, Loueh. _Loueeeh! Loueh, Loueh…_” Harry sings.

Louis trips over the tire iron as he starts back towards his seat and stumbles to his knees with a groan. Harry is there in a split second lifting him by his armpits. 

“Ooh, you’re a light one. Tiny little thing.” 

“I’m not tiny. I could have broken my leg, thank you very much.”

As Louis limps back to the car he hears Harry add, “For what it’s worth, I think you’d look good with crutches. They’d suit you.” 

“What the actual fuck,” Louis mumbles as he slumps back into his seat. “Please let this day end. At this point, I don’t care how it ends. Just make it stop.”

Thirty minutes later Louis is startled awake by Harry’s green eyes staring at him from about two inches away. 

He gasps and Harry says with a giant smile on his face, “Nice nap? Auto club guy is just finishing up and then we can be on our way!”

Louis rubs his eyes and shakes his head as he tries to clear it. _Does Harry have dimples?_ “Why do I keep falling asleep?” 

“Your lips looked dry while you were sleeping,” Harry says as he hands Louis some chapstick. “So I licked them for you.”

Louis bolts out of his seat and pushes Harry aside as he races towards the man getting into his service truck. 

“Excuse me, sir? Do you think you could give me a lift?”

“No can do,” the man replies. “Rules and all,” he says as he points to a form on his clipboard that reads, “no passengers”. “I’m off to another customer anyway.”

He shuts his door just as Louis feels a long arm snake across his shoulder. “Have a good night, boys,” the man calls as he pulls away. 

Harry waves and calls, “bye, Paul! Say ‘hi’ to the Mrs. and the munchkins!”

“Do you know him?” Louis asks. 

“Nope. Let’s go!” Harry shouts as he thrusts a finger into the air like Tony the Tiger.

They both get back into the car and Harry immediately makes a U-turn and starts driving back in the direction that they just came from. 

“Where are we going now?”

“To the city, Loueh. Where do you think we are going? We’re pretty close now actually.”

“Really?”

“Yep. About 20 minutes? Where do you want me to drop you off?”

“Really? Can I call Liam? Let him know I’m almost there?”

“Sure,” Harry says as he hands him his phone. 

“Nothing else to say? You’re sure quiet all of a sudden.”

“Oh. I’m just thinking about all of the time we’ve spent together. I’m going to miss you, my friend. I wish I could keep you forever. In my collection.” 

“Umm. Ok, then.”

Harry squeezes Louis leg again and Louis jumps up and hits his head. There’s for sure going to be a permanent bruise. He’s probably mildly concussed at this point.

“Yeah. I’m going to call Liam.”

A few minutes later, Louis is in much better spirits knowing that he is most likely going to live to see another day. He explains to Harry where Liam’s house is, and that the party is still going strong. If they hurry, Louis won’t miss too much. He notices that Harry is oddly quiet. 

“Harry. What’s up? What do you want to do now?”

“Oh nothing. We can just ride in peace.” 

“Peace? Harry, you haven’t been quiet for more than a minute this entire trip? What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Harry says and then shakes his head a bit and smiles. “Ok. What would you like to do? Twenty questions?”

“Sure. Hit me.”

“Ok. So what do you do, Loueh?”

“Well, I’m a teacher. High school drama.”

“That sounds fascinating. I’ve always enjoyed the theater.”

“I don't doubt it,” Louis laughs. Laughing is coming more naturally with Harry now. _Weird_. 

“_Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow!_ I love that line,” Harry says momentarily reflecting on his performance before blurting out, “I once played a bullfrog in my school’s production of the musical _Swamped_. It was quite a toe tapper. 

Louis sighs and then smiles. As quirky, and creepy, as this Harry character is, he’s growing on Louis. He decides to pass the time making Harry talk about himself. Maybe it will help with the investigation if he escapes alive. Louis laughs at his own joke.

“What? What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” he laughs again. “Forget 20 questions. Tell me about Harry.”

“Well, I’m an Aquarius with the moon in Libra; however, in Chinese astrology I identify as a water rooster. Hey! Look at that, Loueh! We’re back to chickens!” Harry laughs and slaps Louis’ arm.

Louis chuckles before continuing. “So, what do _you_ do, Harry? Marketing? Computer programming? Serial murderer?”

“You crack me up, Loueh! No, no, no traditional nine to five for me. I don’t like to label myself.” Harry dons a look of deep thought as he angles the car off the freeway.

“I can see that, yeah,” Louis replies with a smirk on his face. Harry is starting to get to him. Maybe it was the thong…

By the time they are approaching Liam’s place, both men are laughing. Harry has been telling jokes and Louis has been making fun of those jokes, but nonetheless, the last several miles have flown by. And Louis hasn’t been worried about his safety more than a few times. 

Harry pulls up to Liam’s and starts, “well, Loueh, it’s been a pleasure. It doesn’t always end like this...,” he sighs, making Louis feel a bit uncomfortable again. “Back to work on Monday! Hope you can get a ride.”

A ride. Louis had forgotten about his car. “Ugh. Work. Don’t remind me.”

“What if - hear me out - the spiritual world is the job and the living world is the vacation? That’s wild,” Harry says with a dreamy look in his eye. 

“You do say some weird shit, Harry.”

“I know. It’s part of my charm.” He winks, “oh, look! Are those balloons for your party?”

“Looks like. Thanks for the ride, ummm, Harry.”

Harry pulls the SUV to a stop, and just as Louis reaches to open the door, Harry puts his hand on his arm.

“You know, this whole journey, I’ve been thinking that I know you from somewhere. But not with your clothes on…”

“Ok, gotta go,” Louis says as he starts jumping out of the car.

“Loueh!” Harry calls after him and tosses him his duffel bag. “I’m so sorry for what is about to happen.” Then he whispers, “no one will ever believe you.” He winks and pulls away, almost knocking Louis over with the open car door.

Louis stands there is shock as Liam comes rushing out of the house. He can hear Harry singing _Goodbye Stranger_ as he speeds away.

“Louis! I’m so glad you made it! I wasn’t sure if you were going to make it or not.”

“Neither was I, to be honest. Don’t ever accept a ride from anyone if you are stranded. Ever. I’m pretty sure I was almost Jeffrey Dahmer, Jr.’s next victim.”

“You’re so dramatic, Louis. Nice hat, by the way.”

Louis grabs the snapback and starts to throw it away before changing his mind and tucking it in his back pocket. “Thanks. The, ummm, serial killer bought it for me.”

“Do serial killers by their victims presents? I don’t think so.”

“I really need a beer, Liam. Can we go inside, please?”

Just then, the front door opens up and Niall comes barreling out followed by several other people, all laughing and chatting.

“Louis! I thought you were ditching me on my 25th birthday, you bastard!” Niall exclaims as he rushes to envelop Louis in a bear hug. 

Within minutes, Louis is telling his friends about the bizarre ride with “Crazy Harry” and his close brush with death, when Liam brings up a topic that Louis would rather avoid. 

“So, Louis, no date?”

“No, Liam, no date. Can you just drop it?”

“But I want to help! Please!”

“No.”

“Remember that blind date I set you up on a few months back that you bailed out of at the last minute?”

“Liam. I had to work. You know that -“

“You were chicken”

“No, I wasn’t, but what does that have to do with anything?”

“You were, but I bet I can get him to give you another chance.” 

“No.”

“You really were rude, though, leaving him hanging at the last minute.”

“I don’t care. He doesn’t know me so I’m not going to worry about it. I hate blind dates.” 

“But you’d have so much in common!” 

“I said, no. The last thing I want to do is listen to some washed up child actor talking about his glory days as an extra on _iCarly_. No, Liam. I’m not doing it.”

Everyone starts laughing and Liam grabs Louis shoulders and turns him around. “Louis, I’d like you to meet Harry Styles. Former child actor turned advertising exec. He works at my uncle’s firm. We go to yoga together.” 

There in front of Louis stands Crazy Harry. Only he doesn’t look crazy anymore. His curls have been tamed and his eyes sparkle. He’s dressed in charcoal dress pants and has a black, silk shirt on that is only buttoned halfway up. He has on silver boots and there are tattoos popping out at every opportunity. He looks like he dropped straight from heaven. Or maybe hell, because he definitely looks sinful. Considering how close Louis thought he was to going to either place just a few hours ago, it seems a bit ironic. Harry is holding two beers, and he winks as he extends one to Louis. 

“Hi. I’m Harry. Nice to meet you.” 

********  
“So you really go all out with the method acting, don’t ya?”

“Well, I might be a ‘washed up’ child actor, but I still have a few skills.”

Louis groans and drags his hands down his face before making eye contact with Harry again, who seems to be enjoying Louis’ embarrassment a bit too much. “I’m really sorry about that.”

“It’s ok, Louis. I’m not bothered.”

“Louis? I think I like ‘Loueh’ better.” They both laugh before Louis starts grilling Harry about his methods. 

“The car?” Louis asks.

“My sister’s.”

“The glasses?” 

“Gucci. Great UV protection.” Harry smirks. The nerve.

“Frank?”

“My aunt’s. He’s an evil fucker.”

“The poisonous smoothie?”

“Not poisonous, but I’m glad you didn’t drink it. I told the girl to basically put everything in it.” 

Louis laughs before saying, “you did well for a washed up child actor.”

“Well, you know, it’s important to become the character. I like to be authentic.” 

“Was the thong necessary?”

“That _is_ authentic. Well, most days.” He winks and walks toward a group of people not too far away to join the conversation as Louis stands motionless with his mouth hanging open.

“So. Whatcha think?” Liam asks with a smirk as he hands Louis his phone. 

Louis hands him a crisp twenty dollar bill. “Don't ever stand up Harry Styles.”

**Author's Note:**

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